When I saw my therapist last, we talked about situations that are especially difficult for me to deal with.
The focus of our last session revolved around how I think my friends think I'm stupid, boring, and annoying. I don't know where it comes from. No one's ever said any of these things, yet when I'm with friends, I often feel disconnected, and like they'd rather be talking to anyone but me. My least favourite question to be asked is, "What's new!?"... because quite honestly, the answer is usually "Nothing." But I can't say that, so I have to dig and search and plan beforehand what I'm going to say. Maybe I'll tell you something cute my dogs did, or tell you something exciting about Chris because his life truly is more exciting than mine, but most likely, I'll say, "Not much, you?" Talking about myself makes me really uncomfortable... I prefer to listen.
I had only seen my friends twice in eight months. I was too depressed and anxious to go out when they'd invite me, so Chris would go on his own. And the more I declined invites, the more I felt they didn't like me, so I would decline even more. I didn't trust my friends enough to say, "Hey, guys, I'm going through a really rough time right now." Instead, I ignored their invites or would say I'd go, and then wouldn't. By my actions, they likely felt I thought I was better than them or didn't want to see them, or whatever. Depression and anxiety are so fucking weird.
Last weekend, Chris and I went to the lake with some of our friends. I REALLY did not want to go at first. I had only seen them once since the wedding which was in April, and the idea of spending an entire day, sleeping in a tent, and then spending more time with them the next day... I was terrified. But Chris pleaded. He does so much for me, so I relented and agreed to go, even though I was SURE they all hated me (stupid brain).
So we went, and as soon as we got there I WAS SO HAPPY. I had so much fun. It's astounding to me that the human brain can give you so much negative self-talk and you'll believe every last bit of it.
A huge part of why I went camping was because of my appointment with my therapist. Working with her has made me realize that I need to put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. Our brains blow things way out of proportion, and half the shit we tell ourselves isn't true anyway.
What I learned is that sometimes you need to tell your worrying brain to SHUT UP. And trust your husband when he tells you that you're going to have an awesome time camping with your friends.
x
