Work Trip to Vancouver

The company I work for does not have an office in Alberta, so I work remotely. In March, I was flown to the head office in BC to attend the annual meeting and to meet the people I work with. It should have been an exciting opportunity, but I could not enjoy myself because I was not in a good place mentally. While everyone I met was lovely and kind, I felt constant anxiety and insecurity.

I did not enjoy myself because every experience was overshadowed by my inability to overcome imposter syndrome. I work with brilliant people and didn’t feel like I measured up. When I got home and had a few days to unwind and reflect, I realized I had wasted the trip and the opportunity to connect with incredible people. I promised myself I would do it completely differently if I could go again.

Three weeks ago, I was asked to come back. This time, I felt just as nervous as the first time. But the way I faced that nervousness was different. I did not let it overwhelm and consume me, and I vocalized it to those I love. They reassured me, and this time, I chose to believe them when they told me I would have fun. I decided to believe them when they told me I belonged.

Sometimes I should ignore my feelings. My feelings cannot always be trusted. I worry, and I think about everything that can go wrong. These thoughts are not helpful, are not based in reality, and ultimately ruin experiences that could have otherwise been enjoyable. Sometimes, it is best I ignore myself and instead listen to and believe those who love me.

This trip was a massive personal win because I let myself enjoy everything. I allowed myself to be present, social, and laugh. I got to see my teammate, met my new manager and a bunch of new coworkers, enjoyed a BBQ on the beach, visited the new office, participated in team-building activities, and went for dinner with people I did not know... and I felt like I belonged throughout it all.

When I got home, my parents picked me up from the airport, and when they asked how my trip was, I quickly replied, “It was awesome!” I struggle to talk myself out of anxiety and into being myself, but last week, I conquered that, and for the first time in a long time, I know I am stronger than the negative voice in my head. I do not know why that negative voice is so loud, but I am proud of myself for shutting it up.  

Why do I write?

My career is writing. I have had numerous jobs as a writer, and while they have all been very different, there is one thing they all have in common: me, Beth, and my personality, none of that can be found in the words I write. I write professionally for businesses. I write social media posts to increase brand awareness, website content for a new company, or user manuals so customers understand how to use a product. I love what I do for a living for two reasons:

1. There is a right way to write. I like rules, guidelines, and the idea I can make something “perfect” in terms of grammar, spelling, style, and syntax. My perfectionism shines in this profession.
2. Yet, writing is flexible. I think of it like a colouring book. I choose the picture I want to colour, and I choose the colours I want to colour with, but the goal is always to stay inside the lines. I get to choose the words and the sentence structure to convey the targeted message.

I admire writers who ooze flowery, descriptive language that produces elegant and angelic poetry. It comes so naturally to some people. Not me. That is not my style. I am not a poet, I have no desire to write a book, and I do not need to have my words mean anything to anyone. We all need to make a living; I write professionally because it is the most enjoyable way to earn money. 

I have never written poetries, scripts, or stories. I do not write for enjoyment. I never have. I write in this blog, where I do not earn a penny, and I have no readers, because something magical happens when I hone in on my emotions, process my thoughts and feelings, and put them into words. 

Before I get the words out, I often feel lost, alone, and broken. But when I have finally unmasked my feelings, and the words are in front of me, there is an emotional release that is unlike anything else. My heart, mind, and soul are connected. I feel at peace. I can appreciate unpleasant or painful situations and people for what they are: lessons. The truth is, writing is the only way I know how to figure out what the fuck is happening in my brain. 

I write because it is free therapy.