Belonging

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? And for no reason, either. Just, for some reason, you're out of your comfort zone. You hang out with family, friends, coworkers, strangers, whoever... and you feel so uncomfortable and awkward that you don't know where to look or who to talk to or what to do.

You grab a drink or a cigarette so you can have something to focus on besides your own awkwardness. When I feel anxious, I feel like it's so obvious to everyone around me. I feel like anyone who looks at me is thinking, "Hooolyyy shit, what's wrong with that chick?"

I won't make eye contact because that right there will give it all away. The second someone can see my eyes, my game is up and they'll know for sure that I'm a fraud. So instead, I look everywhere else. I'll pretend to be highly focused on opening my beer, or looking in my purse, or admiring the fucking beautiful hardwood floor. Anything but eye contact. Eye contact will make me cry.

I felt that way tonight. Instead of forcing myself to get over it, or drinking myself dumb, I called a cab. Within ten minutes the cab was there, and as soon as I got in that cab and gave him my home address, the hugest sigh of relief escaped me. I just wanted to go home.

When I got home, I walked inside to two insanely excited dogs. I nudged them aside, set down my purse, and sat down on the ground and cried. I had no reason to feel anxious or uncomfortable tonight. But anxiety doesn't care if it makes sense or not.

After I cried, I hugged my dogs, chugged two glasses of water... and now here I am... at home.