Why do I write?

My career is writing. I have had numerous jobs as a writer, and while they have all been very different, there is one thing they all have in common: me, Beth, and my personality, none of that can be found in the words I write. I write professionally for businesses. I write social media posts to increase brand awareness, website content for a new company, or user manuals so customers understand how to use a product. I love what I do for a living for two reasons:

1. There is a right way to write. I like rules, guidelines, and the idea I can make something “perfect” in terms of grammar, spelling, style, and syntax. My perfectionism shines in this profession.
2. Yet, writing is flexible. I think of it like a colouring book. I choose the picture I want to colour, and I choose the colours I want to colour with, but the goal is always to stay inside the lines. I get to choose the words and the sentence structure to convey the targeted message.

I admire writers who ooze flowery, descriptive language that produces elegant and angelic poetry. It comes so naturally to some people. Not me. That is not my style. I am not a poet, I have no desire to write a book, and I do not need to have my words mean anything to anyone. We all need to make a living; I write professionally because it is the most enjoyable way to earn money. 

I have never written poetries, scripts, or stories. I do not write for enjoyment. I never have. I write in this blog, where I do not earn a penny, and I have no readers, because something magical happens when I hone in on my emotions, process my thoughts and feelings, and put them into words. 

Before I get the words out, I often feel lost, alone, and broken. But when I have finally unmasked my feelings, and the words are in front of me, there is an emotional release that is unlike anything else. My heart, mind, and soul are connected. I feel at peace. I can appreciate unpleasant or painful situations and people for what they are: lessons. The truth is, writing is the only way I know how to figure out what the fuck is happening in my brain. 

I write because it is free therapy.

Writing About Other People & the Reliability of Memory

It's a tricky balance, figuring out what's appropriate to talk about here and what has no right to be online. 

In university, many professors stressed the absolute gravity and seriousness of not writing about anyone unfavourably unless you have their permission. Hell, even writing favourably about someone leaves a question mark because countless people on this planet are private and aren't okay with having anyone know their business.

I respect people's privacy and do my best to honour it. I leave names out and try to be vague... but I am a writer. I gotta be able to write honestly, or what is the point?

My favourite course at university was Creative Nonfiction. A quick Google search pulls up dozens of definitions, so I've chosen one that's to the point:

• Creative nonfiction adds characterizations so that the reader becomes involved and can relate to the subject. Pure nonfiction focuses on facts. 

In a nutshell, nonfiction is a textbook: pure facts. 

Creative nonfiction is a memoir: all facts, but written to be enjoyed on a personal level.

____________________________________________

As much as we'd like it to be, memory is not like a filing cabinet. We don't experience something and then file it away only to bring it out later when we want to think about, talk about, or relive it. Over time, memory decays and becomes distorted. It becomes malleable, like clay or dough.

This creates a real problem with creative nonfiction because, so often, nonfiction writing can go back decades. Adults often write memoirs about the trauma they experienced as a child. I am not saying they didn't experience trauma, are lying, or what they are writing can't be trusted.

What I am saying is that specific details can change in our minds. Maybe events occurred slightly differently than you remember, words were said with a different tone, or perhaps the pain was worse, and your brain has protected you by covering much of the truth. 

Two people can also remember the same event very differently. Who is right? Either of us? Neither of us? There are so many things that shape how we remember something. Were you afraid at the time the memory developed? Were you laughing and experiencing something new and exciting or doing something that caused anxiety, boredom, or tediousness? Were you drunk? High? Were you distracted? Everything shapes memory.

There are conscious, unconscious, short-term, and long-term memories.

To understand memory and how it is formed, scientists study those with Alzheimer's: first, scientists need to figure out why people forget.

Impostor Syndrome

Something I've desperately been trying to conquer lately is impostor syndrome. Whenever I meet new people, pick up a new hobby, or start a new job, I have to fight impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome, or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which individuals doubt their skills, talents, or accomplishments and have a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I've started two jobs within the last month, and I am sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of impostor syndrome. It's ruined my day on occasion, left me in a puddle of tears, and has had me questioning why I even bother trying when I know perfectly well I'm going to fail. I am crying writing about it now.

What an isolating feeling impostor syndrome is. Yet roughly 70% of people will experience it at least once. It's not talked about, though–and why is it not talked about? Because talking about it requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is damn hard. Instead, when we feel insecure, we go through periods of negative self-talk, see only our failures and none of our successes, and fear that we will be busted for the frauds we think we are.

One of my jobs is as a technical writer and editor for a mining company–something I know nothing about. My other job is as a copywriter, and I've never been a copywriter. These jobs are breeding insecurity in me.

I felt depression creeping in, but for once, I recognized why it was happening. Rather than remain silent, I brought it up with my boyfriend. I needed to vocalize these feelings before they consumed me.

Between tears, I said, "These jobs are way beyond my experience and skill set. I am going to fail." 

Instead of entertaining me, he steered the conversation in a positive direction: "These companies hired you because you are great at what you do. Focus on that for a few minutes."

After a short pause, I continued speaking, more to myself than to him: "You are right. My new bosses said I'm doing a great job, my questions are fantastic, and my ideas are excellent and I should pursue them. My references had nothing but the very best to say about me. A boss has never said my work is bad. I've always been told I produce quality content. Maybe that's all I need to know."

I've got this.

The Next 24 Hours

This saying has been around for over half a century, most likely. Earl Nightingale (1921-1989) was an American radio speaker and author, dealing mostly with the subjects of human character development, motivation, and meaningful existence.

I love that you can make a career of pretty much anything. If you can dream it, it can happen. "But what if you aren't born into a rich family?" I agree—being born into a favourable environment has its perks and will set you up much better than someone who's been born into poverty and is a minority. Facts are facts, so I won't sit here and pretend that we can all be masters at what we love with the same amount of energy put into getting there. But I think we are all capable of having any job we want. We may not be at the best company, making the most money, or getting the recognition we want, but I think each of us has the potential to decide our fate. 

It takes work, a lot of work. Work that most people don't have the determination, drive, motivation, willpower, or self-confidence to put in. 

You hear of people who've come from nothing and are suddenly household names, owning multiple vacation homes, partying with the rich and the famous and enjoying every great opportunity that exists on this planet. Check out this list of 11 celebrities who were dirt poor before they became famous. 

Some people are born into privilege. Some people are born beautiful. Some people are in the right place at the right time. But that isn't the case for every successful person, and you would be doing yourself a massive disservice if you trick yourself into believing that. 

Why? Because if that's what you truly believe, then you have no chance of becoming the person you want to become.

Look at someone like Steve Irwin, who died doing what he loved. Yes, he died, but I bet he had a more fulfilling life than most of us simply because he did what made him feel alive.

Documentary filmmakers that get to travel the planet and film fascinating animal docs, human stories, or war stories didn't just land that job by chance. They worked for it.

People like The Rock and Arnold Schwarzenegger were massively competitive and thriving in the world of bodybuilding. They weren't born with that physique. They built it, one day at a time. 

These people live very different lives and have very different careers, but successful people have several things in common that the majority of people lack, and now I'll go over a few of them: 

1. They know when to stay and when to leave: If a job isn't adding to their life in any meaningful way, they aren't afraid to go. The "what if?" of the future doesn't scare them into staying in a situation that makes them miserable.
2. Go above and beyond: When you start a job, you are told what your position entails. Successful people complete these tasks and then ask what else they can do. They continually grow.
3. They aren't afraid to fail because they know that failure often leads to success: Failure happens more than success, so it's best to learn how to embrace the setbacks and use them to do better next time.
4. They create their luck: They don't wait around for something good to happen to them, because "good things don't come to those who wait." They make things happen.
5. Goals are attainable: They set goals that they know they are capable of reaching, with very established guidelines and steps. It's not, "I will lose 100 pounds in six months," it's more like, "I will finish this course in the next three weeks by devoting three hours each day to it."
6. Never stop learning: Successful people love to learn whatever they can, from wherever, whoever, and however they can. They like to be inspired and use that inspiration for their personal growth.
7. The journey is what drives them: When you feel like you are doing something meaningful and purposeful, you will continue to do that thing because it is what drives you.

Don't focus on where you want to be in 1, 5, 10, or 20 years from now. Focus on what you'd like to do in the next 24 hours to better yourself and then do that again the next day, and the next, and never stop thinking about the 24 hours in front of you. Eventually, years will pass, and you will be in a place you never thought possible.

I talk about this shit like I know what I'm talking about, but I don't. It sounds legit to me, in any case. Most of us know what the obvious ways to success are, but we, for whatever reason, don't do those things. Maybe use this as a reminder to do the obvious.

Finally, success means more than doing exceptionally well in your career (but that's a massive factor for many of us). Success also includes relationships, hobbies, kids, sports, talents—it's about life and how to achieve true happiness, rather than chase it and never catch it. 

And Then She Bloomed

My writing hasn't been reflective of my mood, and that's an issue for me. Writing is a form of therapy - I don't need an audience, and I don't expect I have one. But, I'd like for my words to match my current feelings. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say my writing has been so negative because I've needed to get rid of all this hostility. Purge to heal. The hurt, pain, sadness, bitterness, anger, hate - it had to come out before I could begin to heal. I stopped writing for years, and now that I'm back into it... the ugliness has been pouring out of me like a dam that broke.

Despite the negativity of my recent posts, I feel the happiest, most hopeful, and most energetic I've felt in years. 

The negativity that I felt towards everything and everyone, it's gone. It's floated away. It's evaporated, almost like it never existed. 

• I wake up smiling, 
• I am interested in how my loved ones are doing, 
• I smile at and talk to strangers, and,
• I have drive, motivation, and energy - which is perhaps the oddest thing about this whole experience because energy is something I've never had enough of. 

Boredom used to be synonymous with Beth, and I was okay with that, because when you have no energy, who cares if you're bored? 

Because I had no energy, I'd recurrently receive texts from family asking if I was okay because they wouldn't hear from me for ages. Reading their texts of concern was exhausting, so I'd ignore them. After a few days, I'd let them know I was alive, just feeling shitty. 

I now have an abundance of energy. I genuinely don't know what to do with it all, and now I find myself getting bored because there isn't enough to do. 

Notwithstanding, nighttime is incredibly hard for me. That's when my anxiety kicks into full gear, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because the day is over, meaning I need to be still with my thoughts. I'm not comfortable with that yet, but I believe one day I can learn how to be okay with it.

The human brain has a remarkable ability to adapt to unpleasantness. Presently it makes me uncomfortable to be alone with my thoughts, but give it a few weeks, and who knows?

Self Censoring

I write posts and then delete them. It's this thing that's been plaguing me lately. Waking up with shame and embarrassment about baring my soul drives me to delete delete delete. A huge part of me wishes I had never shared this blog link with anyone I know in real life. It's difficult to NOT filter yourself when you know that people who know you may read your words. I've shared this blog with a lot of people, and chances are most of those people have forgotten about it or don't care to read it, but that lingering fear is there. That I'll be judged, laughed at, or called an idiot. I feel like a stupid, dramatic basket case.

I could filter myself. I could pretend to be confident and happy all the time. But I write to work through my internal crap, and yeah, I could make this all private... and maybe I should... but I like the idea that maybe one single soul reads my words and is able to relate.

Today

Flamingos eat so much shrimp that it tinges their feathers pink
Chance is nestled right next to me
I listened to music and it made me feel something
So many hugs from so many people
Cried
Learned things via documentaries
Played Mario Kart and Mario Party

GOODNIGHT.

I'm back

For the past couple of weeks, I have felt a little strange. I’m quiet and reflective, and I thought that meant I was sad. But this morning, a co-worker asked how I was doing, and the word “sad” didn’t quite fit… so I thought about it for a few minutes. 

The truth is I sort of lost myself for a few years. Post-secondary is just stressful in general. It’s hard to give yourself the attention you need when your brain is getting filled to the brim with knowledge, papers are frequently due, and midterms are always right around the corner.

Now that I’m done school and settled into my job, I have come back to myself in a way. For the last four years, I was going through the motions of living life, but I wasn’t really connected to myself in any real way, if that makes sense. My inner voice had been hushed for a very long time… and now it’s screaming!

So, the next time someone asks, “How are you?” I will tell them, I have never been better.