My Car Accident & Resulting Fear of Death

Two years ago, I was driving with my brother when it started to rain. The temperature rapidly dropped below zero, and unbeknownst to me, there was a flash freeze on the roads, making driving conditions extremely dangerous. I didn't know this then because I was in my warm vehicle. I only found out later when the police arrived at the accident scene and told me.

I was on an exit ramp going 80km per hour when I lost control of my car. I started fishtailing, and I didn't know what to do. Everything happened very quickly, but in my mind, time slowed to a snail's pace. I looked at my brother and frantically asked, "What do I do!?" He calmly replied, "It's too late. There's nothing you can do."

In an instant, I remembered hearing once, many years ago, if you know a car accident is inevitable, the best thing you can do is completely relax your body. Car accident injuries are most likely to happen when you tense your muscles and joints. So, I relaxed my body, closed my eyes, said, "Fuck," and then prayed we weren't about to die.

I felt us skidding and sliding and then immediately heard an ear-pounding SMASH! 

Then, suddenly, like it was all a dream, we weren't moving anymore. The chaos disappeared, and the air was filled with silence.

I opened my eyes. I had taken out a light pole and guardrail on the highway. I looked at my brother, covered in glass–the passenger window broke into a million pieces all over him. The passenger door had caved in on him. The windshield was broken but intact. My brother was dazed but responsive.

I was shaken up but otherwise fine.

I started crying and apologizing profusely. My brother had some very sore muscles and terrible bruising for months afterward, but beyond that, he was okay.

Since that day, I have a genuine fear of winter driving, and I sense with 100% certainty that I will die in a car accident. My family reassures me this will not happen, but there is no convincing me. 

The first snowfall of the year occurred last week, causing my usual thirty-minute drive home from work to turn into one-and-a-half hours. When I walked in my front door, I immediately began feeling the aftershocks of the panic I now feel when winter driving, and I spent the next few hours crying.

It's almost enough to make me move somewhere that doesn't see snow.

Impostor Syndrome

Something I've desperately been trying to conquer lately is impostor syndrome. Whenever I meet new people, pick up a new hobby, or start a new job, I have to fight impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome, or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which individuals doubt their skills, talents, or accomplishments and have a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I've started two jobs within the last month, and I am sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of impostor syndrome. It's ruined my day on occasion, left me in a puddle of tears, and has had me questioning why I even bother trying when I know perfectly well I'm going to fail. I am crying writing about it now.

What an isolating feeling impostor syndrome is. Yet roughly 70% of people will experience it at least once. It's not talked about, though–and why is it not talked about? Because talking about it requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is damn hard. Instead, when we feel insecure, we go through periods of negative self-talk, see only our failures and none of our successes, and fear that we will be busted for the frauds we think we are.

One of my jobs is as a technical writer and editor for a mining company–something I know nothing about. My other job is as a copywriter, and I've never been a copywriter. These jobs are breeding insecurity in me.

I felt depression creeping in, but for once, I recognized why it was happening. Rather than remain silent, I brought it up with my boyfriend. I needed to vocalize these feelings before they consumed me.

Between tears, I said, "These jobs are way beyond my experience and skill set. I am going to fail." 

Instead of entertaining me, he steered the conversation in a positive direction: "These companies hired you because you are great at what you do. Focus on that for a few minutes."

After a short pause, I continued speaking, more to myself than to him: "You are right. My new bosses said I'm doing a great job, my questions are fantastic, and my ideas are excellent and I should pursue them. My references had nothing but the very best to say about me. A boss has never said my work is bad. I've always been told I produce quality content. Maybe that's all I need to know."

I've got this.

When a New Person Makes Your Day

My new job is with a massive company. Because of the building's size, most staff are forced to park on the street all around the building and beyond. They have a permanent shuttle service guy who drives around all day, transporting people to and from their vehicles. This morning he picked me up. He was warm, friendly, and outgoing, and I immediately thought, "What a perfect man for the job." 

I told him it was no problem, the walk was good for me, and he didn't need to stop for me. He replied, "Please, ma'am, get in. If I can't drive you to the office, then I have no job!" He said it with a smile on his face, so I knew he was being playful, but it sparked a conversation between us. He told me he had been out of work for six months and just started this job. I told him I had been out of work for eight months and just started this job. We both laughed at our luck.

"There is only so much big screen TV you can watch before you go crazy. At some point, work is the best possible thing for us," he said as he pulled up to the front doors of the office.

After work, he spotted me exiting the building, so he honked his horn. I laughed and got in. When he asked what time I usually arrive in the morning, I told him 8:30, and he said he would look for me to see if I needed more rides. 

I couldn't tell you what I was thinking throughout the rest of today. But those few minutes with that man made me feel something really positive—hope, joy, silliness, comfort. 

Today was a good day, all thanks to a random shuttle driver.

Crying Is Not a Weakness

Some days you just need to cry. As much as it hurts and as much as you tell yourself not to, it's okay to cry. I need to remind myself of that sometimes. Crying is not a weakness. Crying is letting go of an emotion that will poison you if you hold it in.

I mean, look, even the former President Barack Obama cries, and he is certainly not a weak man.

A crying man is not a weak man

I don't like crying. It hurts, both physically and emotionally, and it makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I want to hide. I don't want anyone to see me in that state. But vulnerability is a beautiful thing, and crying is a very human thing. Sometimes it's best to let it out because the reactions of those around you just might surprise you. 

No one has ever laughed at my tears or my pain. Instead, I receive support, encouragement, love, understanding, patience, and a whole lot of empathy. 

Never be afraid to cry. It shows your humanity, and it allows people to connect with you–because we've all felt pain and we have all cried.

What's Employment Again?

After eight months of unemployment and over 200 job applications, I received two job offers in the same week. It took a couple of days for me to accept the hunt was finally over, and I now had some meaning in my life.

 
Eight months is a long time to do nothing and to have nothing. Government assistance is helpful but doesn't cover everything: rent, car payments, utilities, and groceries. An emergency better not happen, and cross your fingers that you won't need anything new because if you do, you're SOL.

Today's job market is unrecognizable from the one that existed one short year ago. Millions of people are out of work through no fault of their own, and most feel utterly hopeless about it. Finding a job when everyone else is looking for one, too, is a daunting task. 

It takes willpower, perseverance, determination, and the ability to recognize that it isn't something wrong with you that's preventing you from getting hired–it is a numbers game, sort of like bingo, and your turn will come eventually.

Many don't talk about the struggles of being jobless, but I lost my shame months ago. I was rejected from jobs I was sure I had in the bag, I had to go to my mom for money, I'm thousands of dollars in debt to various companies (that won't stop calling!), and my landlord hasn't received full rent since this pandemic started–if you want to talk about shame, I'm your gal.

I was suicidal. I felt like a leech to society. Taking, taking, taking, and never giving back. You lose your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence; soon enough, you simply hate yourself. It may not be that way for everyone, but it's been horrible for me.

However... I am stronger because of it. Now I can see it for what it is: a situation I did not create but is negatively impacting millions. The shame sure is isolating, though. I felt like I was the only one struggling. I knew I wasn't because the news stories told me that millions of people were suffering, but I didn't see suffering anywhere except under my own roof. Once I started talking about it, though, the floodgates opened, and I found my people. My struggling people.

The Sweetest of All Kittens Came Into My Life Today

Today I got a new kitten. I originally wanted to get a puppy. I love a puppy's energy. But lately, whenever I'd look at my cat, Mike, he seemed so lonely. He was sleeping all of the time. When he wasn't sleeping, he was at the window for hours, waiting for the neighbourhood stray to come and entertain him at the window for all of thirty seconds. That was his excitement for the day. I felt bad. Real bad.

She slept the whole way home

Mike has gone from having two dogs and his birth brother to being the only one around... within one year. I thought he might appreciate a kitty friend, so I've tabled the idea of a puppy until at least the spring. 

She made herself at home 30 minutes after arrival

 

So, for now, this little cutie will do. She was the most docile, playful, confident, and sweet kitten of the litter, so we got in my car and off we went. My adventures of bringing new pets home are limited, but I've never had the experience I had today. She was so chill, she slept most of the way, and when she wasn't sleeping, she was purring. 

She's a keeper.

Suicide and the Anniversary of Andy's Death

We all have that one thing that never fails to put a smile on our face. It could be a stuffed animal, a letter from your child, something you made that you're proud of, a voicemail from a loved one, and in my case... it's this: My dear friend, Andy, made a video for me weeks before he took his own life.

The second anniversary of his death is coming up in less than one month. Because of this, I am gravitating to his video incessantly. I need to be able to see him moving and dancing because it's too difficult for me to think about him being nothing but ashes in this urn.

Our friendship was deep and built over 20 years. We leaned on one another when going through periods of depression, so he reached out to me a lot in the weeks leading up to his death. But I was not there for him. It makes me sick to think about it now. I was so busy with my own problems that I didn't make time for him. 

When I look at these pictures, I see a happy guy. And he probably was happy when these pictures were taken. But if you are familiar with depression, you know how subtle and sneaky it can be. Depression floats in and out of your life, and by the time you realize you are deep in it, you often need help to climb out—it is too hard to do it alone. 

This is the lesson I am taking from Andy's suicide: If you trust me enough to reach out to me when at your lowest and darkest, it is my duty as a friend and fellow human being to listen, be supportive, and remind you of all the reasons you are needed on this planet. It's so easy to look back and see what I could have done differently, but the reality is that it will never be possible.

I am so sorry, Andy. You deserved better.

The Next 24 Hours

This saying has been around for over half a century, most likely. Earl Nightingale (1921-1989) was an American radio speaker and author, dealing mostly with the subjects of human character development, motivation, and meaningful existence.

I love that you can make a career of pretty much anything. If you can dream it, it can happen. "But what if you aren't born into a rich family?" I agree—being born into a favourable environment has its perks and will set you up much better than someone who's been born into poverty and is a minority. Facts are facts, so I won't sit here and pretend that we can all be masters at what we love with the same amount of energy put into getting there. But I think we are all capable of having any job we want. We may not be at the best company, making the most money, or getting the recognition we want, but I think each of us has the potential to decide our fate. 

It takes work, a lot of work. Work that most people don't have the determination, drive, motivation, willpower, or self-confidence to put in. 

You hear of people who've come from nothing and are suddenly household names, owning multiple vacation homes, partying with the rich and the famous and enjoying every great opportunity that exists on this planet. Check out this list of 11 celebrities who were dirt poor before they became famous. 

Some people are born into privilege. Some people are born beautiful. Some people are in the right place at the right time. But that isn't the case for every successful person, and you would be doing yourself a massive disservice if you trick yourself into believing that. 

Why? Because if that's what you truly believe, then you have no chance of becoming the person you want to become.

Look at someone like Steve Irwin, who died doing what he loved. Yes, he died, but I bet he had a more fulfilling life than most of us simply because he did what made him feel alive.

Documentary filmmakers that get to travel the planet and film fascinating animal docs, human stories, or war stories didn't just land that job by chance. They worked for it.

People like The Rock and Arnold Schwarzenegger were massively competitive and thriving in the world of bodybuilding. They weren't born with that physique. They built it, one day at a time. 

These people live very different lives and have very different careers, but successful people have several things in common that the majority of people lack, and now I'll go over a few of them: 

1. They know when to stay and when to leave: If a job isn't adding to their life in any meaningful way, they aren't afraid to go. The "what if?" of the future doesn't scare them into staying in a situation that makes them miserable.
2. Go above and beyond: When you start a job, you are told what your position entails. Successful people complete these tasks and then ask what else they can do. They continually grow.
3. They aren't afraid to fail because they know that failure often leads to success: Failure happens more than success, so it's best to learn how to embrace the setbacks and use them to do better next time.
4. They create their luck: They don't wait around for something good to happen to them, because "good things don't come to those who wait." They make things happen.
5. Goals are attainable: They set goals that they know they are capable of reaching, with very established guidelines and steps. It's not, "I will lose 100 pounds in six months," it's more like, "I will finish this course in the next three weeks by devoting three hours each day to it."
6. Never stop learning: Successful people love to learn whatever they can, from wherever, whoever, and however they can. They like to be inspired and use that inspiration for their personal growth.
7. The journey is what drives them: When you feel like you are doing something meaningful and purposeful, you will continue to do that thing because it is what drives you.

Don't focus on where you want to be in 1, 5, 10, or 20 years from now. Focus on what you'd like to do in the next 24 hours to better yourself and then do that again the next day, and the next, and never stop thinking about the 24 hours in front of you. Eventually, years will pass, and you will be in a place you never thought possible.

I talk about this shit like I know what I'm talking about, but I don't. It sounds legit to me, in any case. Most of us know what the obvious ways to success are, but we, for whatever reason, don't do those things. Maybe use this as a reminder to do the obvious.

Finally, success means more than doing exceptionally well in your career (but that's a massive factor for many of us). Success also includes relationships, hobbies, kids, sports, talents—it's about life and how to achieve true happiness, rather than chase it and never catch it. 

And Then She Bloomed

My writing hasn't been reflective of my mood, and that's an issue for me. Writing is a form of therapy - I don't need an audience, and I don't expect I have one. But, I'd like for my words to match my current feelings. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say my writing has been so negative because I've needed to get rid of all this hostility. Purge to heal. The hurt, pain, sadness, bitterness, anger, hate - it had to come out before I could begin to heal. I stopped writing for years, and now that I'm back into it... the ugliness has been pouring out of me like a dam that broke.

Despite the negativity of my recent posts, I feel the happiest, most hopeful, and most energetic I've felt in years. 

The negativity that I felt towards everything and everyone, it's gone. It's floated away. It's evaporated, almost like it never existed. 

• I wake up smiling, 
• I am interested in how my loved ones are doing, 
• I smile at and talk to strangers, and,
• I have drive, motivation, and energy - which is perhaps the oddest thing about this whole experience because energy is something I've never had enough of. 

Boredom used to be synonymous with Beth, and I was okay with that, because when you have no energy, who cares if you're bored? 

Because I had no energy, I'd recurrently receive texts from family asking if I was okay because they wouldn't hear from me for ages. Reading their texts of concern was exhausting, so I'd ignore them. After a few days, I'd let them know I was alive, just feeling shitty. 

I now have an abundance of energy. I genuinely don't know what to do with it all, and now I find myself getting bored because there isn't enough to do. 

Notwithstanding, nighttime is incredibly hard for me. That's when my anxiety kicks into full gear, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because the day is over, meaning I need to be still with my thoughts. I'm not comfortable with that yet, but I believe one day I can learn how to be okay with it.

The human brain has a remarkable ability to adapt to unpleasantness. Presently it makes me uncomfortable to be alone with my thoughts, but give it a few weeks, and who knows?

Behind Closed Doors

Last month my mom was driving me to see my doctor because she didn't trust that I would get out of bed to drive myself. She was probably right. Being suicidal does that to a person.

As we were driving, I started thinking about my marriage and how, during it, I had never experienced depression to this degree. I wanted needed my mom to know that my suicidal thinking had nothing to do with my leaving him.

 

Since leaving my marriage two years ago, my life has been a struggle, and I'll be the first to admit that most of it has been a result of deciding to restart my life without him. I had the security of a husband who had a well-paying job, and we owned a house together. We had mutual friends - today I am friendless. I was a member of his family - I lost that when I left him. 

It would be so easy for someone to connect the dots and think that my suicidality was a direct result of getting divorced. But if someone connected the dots that way, they'd be wrong. So very, completely, frankly, wrong.

This is how the conversation with my mom played out:

Me: I don't know if you or Dad have talked about it or wondered about it, but I want you to know that my depression isn't a result of leaving my marriage. I don't regret it. We weren't right for each other. We got together so young, and it felt like the next step, getting married, was the logical thing to do. But it wasn't. I don't hate him, I don't wish any ill will toward him. I am happy he found someone better for him. I never wanted kids, and now he can have them. But I don't regret leaving.

Mom: Dad and I have never assumed that, talked about that, or thought you made the wrong choice. It is your life, and we know that you are smart enough to do what's right for you.

I cried. I lost it. 

To hear my mom say that she trusted my decision-making and knew that my divorce two years ago had nothing to do with my wanting to kill myself now meant so much to me. 

She then followed with something even kinder, with tears in her eyes:

Mom: Leaving him gave you strength. You are so much stronger today than you were then, and Dad and I see it. You have had a really crappy two years, and we see that, but we also see that you keep picking yourself up. You don't give up, and we are so proud of you.

That conversation has left a lasting impact on me, and I hope to never forget it. 

I wish my ex husband the best, and that's all I have to say about that.

Note to self: VALUE PEOPLE

People need to know they are valued. Value the people in your life that you care about, and do it often. You never know who needs the reminder at that very moment.

Three weeks ago, someone very special to me attempted suicide. He swallowed all his sleeping pills and all his anxiety meds and went for a walk. His walk led him to my front step. I quickly realized he was fucked, so I called 911. The ambulance arrived minutes later. The paramedics strapped him to the stretcher, put him in the back of the ambulance, and intubated him right in front of me. It all happened so fast. They had to transfer him to the hospital so a doctor could pump his stomach. The driving paramedic rolled down his window as he pulled away and said, "Five more minutes... he'd be dead." 

He survived, thankfully. For the last three weeks, he has been a resident of the psychiatric ward at the hospital. He slept for 72 hours straight as the meds left his system. I did not visit him the first day he woke up. I thought I was partly to blame, and seeing me would make him worse. However, the next day, my phone was flooded with texts and calls from his family. He had been asking about me all day and wondered why I was not there. He was furious because I was not there. 

What I should have done from the beginning was be there. It was that simple. He was in crisis. He needed support. My role was simple... just be there.

These days, I do my best to help keep his spirits up, listen to him when he needs to talk, encourage him when he feels down, and let him know I am incredibly thankful he is still around and that if he had died, it would have devastated me.

__________________________________________

I often need reminders of the seemingly obvious things, and in case you are like me in that way, here you go:

People need to know they are valued. Value the people in your life that you care about, and do it often. You never know who needs the reminder at that very moment. 

Vulnerability & Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Vulnerability is powerful. It can do one of two things. It can bring positivity, or it can bring negativity. When you choose to be vulnerable, it isn't really up to you which result will occur. It's up to the person you choose to be vulnerable to.

By definition, vulnerability is opening yourself up to attack or harm, either physically or emotionally. Vulnerability is fucking hard. The fear of being vulnerable and thus, being exposed, is directly linked to the fear of being rejected, abandoned, hurt, or ignored. 

Think of a time you were vulnerable, and it backfired. Now, think of a time when you were vulnerable, and you received a positive reaction. It feels really fucking good. Vulnerability is a gamble, but most times, I think it's a gamble worth taking.

When I saw my doctor the other day, we talked about vulnerability. We talked about my vulnerability and how it is definitely a positive attribute of mine. Still, I have to be careful with who I share my true self with because I am ultra-sensitive to adverse reactions. 

This conversation led to me saying I wanted to talk to a therapist. I fixate and ruminate, and I create problems that aren't there. When I look to the future, my brain tells me that everything that could go wrong is going to go wrong. He said that what I was describing likely wouldn't be helped by a therapist, but Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). 

• "CBT works by changing people's attitudes and their behaviour by focusing on the thoughts, images, beliefs, and attitudes that are held (a person's cognitive processes) and how these processes relate to the way a person behaves as a way of dealing with emotional problems."

I've done CBT before, and I loved it. However, I'm unemployed, and I can't afford the $200 bill per session (5-20 sessions are typically recommended). He knows all about my financial situation, so he gave me some app names that have been created so that people can teach themselves CBT techniques. Apparently, multiple studies have been done, and research shows that you don't need someone to teach you CBT. If you are motivated, you can teach yourself. Makes sense to me.

I've downloaded two of the apps, my mom bought me a Mindfulness book as well as a Mindfulness journal, and though it's only been one day, I have caught myself thinking negatively, and then I immediately checked myself. 

My thoughts and feelings are genuine and real, but that doesn't mean I can't have some control or sway over them. If I continuously repeat, "I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm ugly," to myself... guess what my belief about myself will be? However, if I change my inner dialogue, who knows, maybe something positive will come from it.

If you're an anxious person, imagine being able to conquer it. To overcome it, and no longer have it impact every single hour of your day. 

What a beautiful thought.

Choice and Regret

I wish I paid for parking that day my car got towed. I wish I spent more time with my grandma before she died. I wish I left my marriage in a different and better way. I wish I kept the gifted money I received from my uncle a secret. I wish I didn't take the route I did the evening I wrote off my car.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

The only thing those wishes have in common is that none of them will come true. Those situations can never turn out any differently than they already have. My wishing for things to be different doesn't make it so. The wishing only eats me up inside and makes me depressed.

I regret nothing in my life. The thing with life is that the decisions we make are made because they feel right, they feel good, or because with what we know at the time, that choice makes the most sense and fits who we are in that moment the most succinctly. After we make a decision, life goes on. As life goes on, we experience new things and learn more about ourselves. Growth gives us insight into why our past decisions were poorly made. But we didn't know better, not then.

Regret can cripple you. Regret can prevent you from moving forward because you are stuck in the past and want so badly to turn the clock back. Future growth is severely impeded as a result. You can't accept your new reality because you are hanging on so tightly to your old one, and your present suffers because of it.

I've learned that I need to be at peace with my life and where I've guided it. If I'm not happy with it, I can always change it going forward. But I can never go backward. And... I wouldn't want to. I often look back at a particular point in life and see it with rose-tinted glasses. It's easy to filter out the sadness and the pain and see only the positives. But I remind myself why I made the choice I did: life felt painful. It felt hopeless. Right or wrong, I make decisions so that I can improve the quality of my life.