Are you a planner? I didn't used to be.

Since last week, my days are filled with activity, stuff to do and things to accomplish, taking my dogs for walks, eating regular meals, spending time with people (I love being a hermit but apparently it's bad for depression), and thinking about who I am and what I want out of this life (for the first time ever, I can sit with myself and my thoughts and feel okay with it). This means I don't really have time to stress or worry because everything is already taken care of. My mind isn't always racing and I'm not filled with anxiety. Planning my day is new to me. I've never been a planner.

My mom can drive me nuts because she needs to plan. I made a comment about it last week to her. We were walking the dogs and she was rattling off our to-do list for the next week. I stopped her mid-sentence and said, "Man, you like to plan." She told me that she hates feeling out of control... and planning allows her to have control, or at least make her feel like she has control. Anyway, I feel like my days now are filled with commitments, which is strange for me because I'm so used to never planning anything, but rather, being impulsive and making last-minute decisions.

But as much as the plans annoy me... I do find comfort in them. Knowing that I have to do X tomorrow gives me a reason to go to bed at a reasonable time, wake up at a regular time, and truthfully, just gives me a sense of purpose. With where I'm at in my life right now, planning is exactly what I need.

When I had my breakdown last week, my mom came over and she said the following, which I will always remember:

Mom: Next time you feel this way, you need to come to me for help. If you don't tell anyone how you're feeling, all you do is think, worry, and stress about your life, and that will make it worse. You need to be open about it so that we can come up with a plan. A plan will help you fix this and give you steps to take to make it better.

I'm loved, I'm cared about, and I will be okay

I met with my doctor today. I've been having a rough go of things lately, and for the first time in a long time, I asked for help. My doctor could see how overwhelmed I was and how out of control I felt, and she left me with a few points that I think are relevant to us all:

• Don't be afraid to say no.
• If you don't ask for something, you won't receive it.
• You need to be at peace with yourself. Tell people when something they're doing isn't making you happy.
• You are worthy. Your opinions matter just as much as anyone else's.

Avoiding unpleasant thoughts, situations, and people is what I have always done. But I've recently realized that I need to change my M.O. 

If you want to make your mind, body, and soul sick, then, by all means, avoid the uncomfortable and bottle everything inside. But if you want to flourish, grow, and be healthy and happy… then you need to be kind to yourself, face the things you wish you could forget, forgive yourself for mistakes made, and get to know (and love) yourself. 

I want to be emotionally available. 

I want to be okay with feeling it all… the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

I want people to know they can come to me, and I will be honest with them about all things. 

I want people to know they can rely on me to be there for them when needed. 

I want to not be ashamed of my past, my feelings, my pain, my emotions. 

I want to feel that it's okay to be human and that it's okay to admit that I need help.  

I want to be okay with making mistakes and learn to be grateful for them because mistakes are good.

I want to believe that it's okay to trust people and that people say what they mean and mean what they say. 

I want to stop second-guessing compliments, words of encouragement, and kindness. 

I want to stop projecting my insecurities onto others—just because I see myself a certain way doesn't mean you see me that way.

I learned today that I shouldn't be afraid to let people in. Today I have been 100% pleasantly surprised, and 0% laughed at, mocked, or ridiculed.

Trust...

There is a reason I don’t give it out freely or easily. While I believe people are generally good, I also believe most people are in it for themselves and will do what they can to get ahead, even if it means throwing you under the bus. This isn’t me complaining or whining about the unfairness of life… this is me being honest about how life is. Sometimes I make a mistake in who I trust, and once I realize I’ve fucked up, you won’t get another chance. And don’t get me wrong, I can be a shitty friend too. This isn’t me saying I’m perfect and other people aren’t. This is me saying humans are flawed, and we are so very rarely altruistic in our actions. You can’t be an amazing presence in everyone’s life, you just can’t be. You save your amazingness for a select few.

To find someone who is there for you no matter what is better than finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… it’s better than sex because it lasts forever, and it’s better than the tightest and deepest hug in the world. It makes you feel okay with yourself because someone sees you for you, all of you, and still accepts you. They hold your secrets close to their heart, and they would never sell you out. It is the most comforting feeling in the world, and part of why trust is so amazing is because it is so damn rare.

I pride myself on being able to very quickly know if I want someone in my life. Within seconds of being around you, I can sense your energy and whether or not you’re someone that attracts me. What I do need to learn are boundaries. I tell too much, too soon, and just because I gravitate towards someone and feel a connection, it doesn’t mean I need to bare my soul. Sometimes it’s okay to just like someone as a pal, and not rely on them for anything more than a light-hearted conversation or a lunch date. It doesn’t always need to be a deep, soul-connecting friendship. And that’s hard for me to accept, because to me if it’s not a deep and profound connection, it’s fluff and superficial. And why waste your time and energy on someone that doesn’t feed your soul? Well, because Beth, sometimes life can’t be everything you want it to be, and you have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with knowing you can’t trust someone, but still, be able to like them.

I will hold you close to my heart if you can teach me something about myself in a gentle way. My favourite people are those who teach me things without even realizing they are doing it. They don’t look down on me or tell me that this is how I should behave or I should stop doing this or that… they guide me through mutual friendship and understanding. True friendship is give and take, and the friendships I value most are the ones that make me yearn for personal growth.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be fucked over by people because the people who won’t do that bullshit to you are ten times better than the people who will. Focus your energy on the good ones.

Are we all faking it?

The other day Chris and I met with our wedding DJ: when he asked what I do for a living and I told him I’m a technical writer, his response was, “Wow, you’re very smart.” I laughed it off and said I’m not, and then he said in all seriousness, “No, really.” I mumbled “thanks” and changed the subject.

The truth is that I have no idea what I am doing. I do my job and hope to God my coworkers can’t see the fuck ups. I’m a perfectionist but satisfied with very little, professionally or personally. And I don’t think I’m alone in this. I asked my sister a few months ago, “When did you finally figure it out?” and she told me she still hasn’t. She is intelligent, put together, has an MBA, and is incredibly successful, but she still questions herself. I find this comforting. I look at those around me who appear confident and wonder if they feel like frauds too.

There are so few people I feel comfortable going to when I need support. Being vulnerable is scary as hell, because what if the person I’m seeking help from decides I’m not worth the time or energy? What if they are laughing at me behind my back? People are generally good, I truly believe that but it’s difficult to admit you need a shoulder to lean on, or guidance, or someone to pick you up because you aren’t quite strong enough to do it yourself.

I appreciate the compliments even though I may brush them off. I appreciate when other people tell me they’re bullshitting their way through life too. And I appreciate the amazing people in my life who make me feel worthy when I most need it. I hope I'm as good of a friend to you as you are to me.