Trauma, intention, and healing yourself

Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes, and unfortunately, nobody gets through life without experiencing it in one way or another: childhood neglect, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, bullying, abusive or toxic relationships, living with someone who has substance abuse or mental health issues, poverty, oppression, and on it goes. We all must deal with trauma, and it leaves its mark on each of us. We enter this world as innocent beings, but then people fuck us up, and we, in turn, fuck other people up (even though we do not intend to do so).

I used to think intention mattered, but it does not. Not really. People have done me wrong, and I have done people wrong. If I hurt you, that is what matters… it matters not that I didn't intend to do it. Intentionality is a beautiful thought, but at the end of the day, it means very little. 

And when it comes to healing from someone who has hurt me, ownership is the path to true healing. Even though I am not responsible for the pain and trauma I have gone through, I need to be the one to own it, and this is why: It is unrealistic to expect everyone who has hurt me to be accountable, apologize, and do the work to make it right. 

So, I have two choices: 1) I can continue to let their actions dictate and influence how I view myself and approach the world, or 2) I can accept I am the only one who can fix it. I choose option number two. My trauma is not my fault, but it is my responsibility to own it so I can heal from it. No one else is going to do it for me. 

Work Trip to Vancouver

The company I work for does not have an office in Alberta, so I work remotely. In March, I was flown to the head office in BC to attend the annual meeting and to meet the people I work with. It should have been an exciting opportunity, but I could not enjoy myself because I was not in a good place mentally. While everyone I met was lovely and kind, I felt constant anxiety and insecurity.

I did not enjoy myself because every experience was overshadowed by my inability to overcome imposter syndrome. I work with brilliant people and didn’t feel like I measured up. When I got home and had a few days to unwind and reflect, I realized I had wasted the trip and the opportunity to connect with incredible people. I promised myself I would do it completely differently if I could go again.

Three weeks ago, I was asked to come back. This time, I felt just as nervous as the first time. But the way I faced that nervousness was different. I did not let it overwhelm and consume me, and I vocalized it to those I love. They reassured me, and this time, I chose to believe them when they told me I would have fun. I decided to believe them when they told me I belonged.

Sometimes I should ignore my feelings. My feelings cannot always be trusted. I worry, and I think about everything that can go wrong. These thoughts are not helpful, are not based in reality, and ultimately ruin experiences that could have otherwise been enjoyable. Sometimes, it is best I ignore myself and instead listen to and believe those who love me.

This trip was a massive personal win because I let myself enjoy everything. I allowed myself to be present, social, and laugh. I got to see my teammate, met my new manager and a bunch of new coworkers, enjoyed a BBQ on the beach, visited the new office, participated in team-building activities, and went for dinner with people I did not know... and I felt like I belonged throughout it all.

When I got home, my parents picked me up from the airport, and when they asked how my trip was, I quickly replied, “It was awesome!” I struggle to talk myself out of anxiety and into being myself, but last week, I conquered that, and for the first time in a long time, I know I am stronger than the negative voice in my head. I do not know why that negative voice is so loud, but I am proud of myself for shutting it up.  

Radical Acceptance

I went through something two weeks ago that changed my life. It was the most beautiful and peaceful experience I have ever had. It was radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance means accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, your body, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. Far from condoning or embracing your current difficulties and situation, radical acceptance typically advocates accepting yourself and your circumstances to better move through and past them.

You simply… poof, accept everything. Radical acceptance feels like you are looking at yourself and your life from an outsider’s perspective, with no judgements and no attachments. You see everything for exactly what it is and feel entirely okay and at peace with it. You let go of the pain and move forward.

I used to hide all the raw and vulnerable parts of myself that I felt were undesirable or imperfect. I could not trust anyone because I was terrified of being judged, hurt, or abandoned. Being this way was not a conscious choice; my subconscious was protecting my ego. I was closed off, showed you only what I wanted you to see, and never felt secure in who I was. I did not know how to be myself, not even when alone. 

Since I experienced radical acceptance two weeks ago, I have become acutely receptive to emotional, authentic, and spiritual conversations. I want to connect with people in the most genuine way possible. I want to give and receive complete honesty, even if it is “ugly.” The more shameful your secrets, the more beautiful I find them; my secrets are no different. The stuff we hide is the stuff that makes us unique, fascinating, and extraordinary. 

These last two weeks, I have been open, vulnerable, and, most importantly, myself with everyone I have interacted with. I have this new, deep understanding that the people who are meant to be in my life will be, and those who aren’t won’t be. I cannot force anything, and I do not want to. 

Imagine you have a bead in your hand. You are so afraid to lose it that you squeeze your hand tightly around it—and it slips through your fingers. Or, you can keep your hand open, palm up, and have the bead on it—and it’s still there. Enjoy what you have when you have it but don’t become too attached to it.

Mental Health Awareness Month

May began with immense emotional pain and ended with so much healing; it is difficult to describe where I started and where I am now.

Life ebbs and flows: In periods of flow, life is easy and full of meaning and movement. But when life ebbs, we struggle against the current, fighting to grasp what is important to us.

For the past five years, I struggled against the current. The details do not matter, but it was too much. So to cope, I shoved the problems and pain down as far as possible. I feared if I tried to deal with any of the big issues, I would get stuck in my head and never be able to escape.

At the beginning of May, all the pain I had been burying for years said "fuck you" and smacked me in the face all at once. Finally, I had no choice but to work through everything I had been avoiding: the self-hatred, the bitterness, the embarrassment, the shame, the guilt, all of it.

I took three weeks off work and dealt with my shit. I had to. It was time. Through dealing with it, I have learned I need to be my priority, not some guy, job, or anything else. I have also learned it is great to stay busy so I do not get stuck in my head, but I need to spend time there every so often to sort through and deal with life before it snowballs.

I never thought I would be thankful for everything I have gone through these past five years, but here we are, and I am thankful for all of it. All the pain, suffering, sadness, and depression brought me to this new place of peace, contentment, openness, and acceptance. 

I will struggle against the current in the future, and I may not be able to get through it alone, but it is okay to ask for help. Above all else, I no longer want to be perfect; I want to be authentic. 

Never Tell Someone How to Feel

Someone I was once close with taught me an invaluable lesson. He was always there when I needed to get my emotions out. It did not matter what the emotion was—happiness, depression, rage, love, anxiety, uncertainty—he listened patiently, acknowledged my feelings, and gave me a safe space to discuss whatever I was going through. At the time, I did not appreciate how precious this trait of his was.

One day, he opened up to me. He confessed he felt anxious and horrible about something that just happened. I responded, "You don't need to feel that way." Then, without pause, he said, "When you feel a certain way, I don't tell you your feelings are wrong. Please give me the same courtesy." I was stunned into silence. I don't think I even apologized. I was so taken aback by how right he was. He put me in my place in such a kind way. As a person you trust, all I need to do is listen and be supportive.

If someone trusts you enough to be vulnerable and let you in on their feelings… don't make the same mistake I did. Instead, simply listen and be supportive.

Impostor Syndrome

Something I've desperately been trying to conquer lately is impostor syndrome. Whenever I meet new people, pick up a new hobby, or start a new job, I have to fight impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome, or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which individuals doubt their skills, talents, or accomplishments and have a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I've started two jobs within the last month, and I am sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of impostor syndrome. It's ruined my day on occasion, left me in a puddle of tears, and has had me questioning why I even bother trying when I know perfectly well I'm going to fail. I am crying writing about it now.

What an isolating feeling impostor syndrome is. Yet roughly 70% of people will experience it at least once. It's not talked about, though–and why is it not talked about? Because talking about it requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is damn hard. Instead, when we feel insecure, we go through periods of negative self-talk, see only our failures and none of our successes, and fear that we will be busted for the frauds we think we are.

One of my jobs is as a technical writer and editor for a mining company–something I know nothing about. My other job is as a copywriter, and I've never been a copywriter. These jobs are breeding insecurity in me.

I felt depression creeping in, but for once, I recognized why it was happening. Rather than remain silent, I brought it up with my boyfriend. I needed to vocalize these feelings before they consumed me.

Between tears, I said, "These jobs are way beyond my experience and skill set. I am going to fail." 

Instead of entertaining me, he steered the conversation in a positive direction: "These companies hired you because you are great at what you do. Focus on that for a few minutes."

After a short pause, I continued speaking, more to myself than to him: "You are right. My new bosses said I'm doing a great job, my questions are fantastic, and my ideas are excellent and I should pursue them. My references had nothing but the very best to say about me. A boss has never said my work is bad. I've always been told I produce quality content. Maybe that's all I need to know."

I've got this.

What's Employment Again?

After eight months of unemployment and over 200 job applications, I received two job offers in the same week. It took a couple of days for me to accept the hunt was finally over, and I now had some meaning in my life.

 
Eight months is a long time to do nothing and to have nothing. Government assistance is helpful but doesn't cover everything: rent, car payments, utilities, and groceries. An emergency better not happen, and cross your fingers that you won't need anything new because if you do, you're SOL.

Today's job market is unrecognizable from the one that existed one short year ago. Millions of people are out of work through no fault of their own, and most feel utterly hopeless about it. Finding a job when everyone else is looking for one, too, is a daunting task. 

It takes willpower, perseverance, determination, and the ability to recognize that it isn't something wrong with you that's preventing you from getting hired–it is a numbers game, sort of like bingo, and your turn will come eventually.

Many don't talk about the struggles of being jobless, but I lost my shame months ago. I was rejected from jobs I was sure I had in the bag, I had to go to my mom for money, I'm thousands of dollars in debt to various companies (that won't stop calling!), and my landlord hasn't received full rent since this pandemic started–if you want to talk about shame, I'm your gal.

I was suicidal. I felt like a leech to society. Taking, taking, taking, and never giving back. You lose your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence; soon enough, you simply hate yourself. It may not be that way for everyone, but it's been horrible for me.

However... I am stronger because of it. Now I can see it for what it is: a situation I did not create but is negatively impacting millions. The shame sure is isolating, though. I felt like I was the only one struggling. I knew I wasn't because the news stories told me that millions of people were suffering, but I didn't see suffering anywhere except under my own roof. Once I started talking about it, though, the floodgates opened, and I found my people. My struggling people.

The Next 24 Hours

This saying has been around for over half a century, most likely. Earl Nightingale (1921-1989) was an American radio speaker and author, dealing mostly with the subjects of human character development, motivation, and meaningful existence.

I love that you can make a career of pretty much anything. If you can dream it, it can happen. "But what if you aren't born into a rich family?" I agree—being born into a favourable environment has its perks and will set you up much better than someone who's been born into poverty and is a minority. Facts are facts, so I won't sit here and pretend that we can all be masters at what we love with the same amount of energy put into getting there. But I think we are all capable of having any job we want. We may not be at the best company, making the most money, or getting the recognition we want, but I think each of us has the potential to decide our fate. 

It takes work, a lot of work. Work that most people don't have the determination, drive, motivation, willpower, or self-confidence to put in. 

You hear of people who've come from nothing and are suddenly household names, owning multiple vacation homes, partying with the rich and the famous and enjoying every great opportunity that exists on this planet. Check out this list of 11 celebrities who were dirt poor before they became famous. 

Some people are born into privilege. Some people are born beautiful. Some people are in the right place at the right time. But that isn't the case for every successful person, and you would be doing yourself a massive disservice if you trick yourself into believing that. 

Why? Because if that's what you truly believe, then you have no chance of becoming the person you want to become.

Look at someone like Steve Irwin, who died doing what he loved. Yes, he died, but I bet he had a more fulfilling life than most of us simply because he did what made him feel alive.

Documentary filmmakers that get to travel the planet and film fascinating animal docs, human stories, or war stories didn't just land that job by chance. They worked for it.

People like The Rock and Arnold Schwarzenegger were massively competitive and thriving in the world of bodybuilding. They weren't born with that physique. They built it, one day at a time. 

These people live very different lives and have very different careers, but successful people have several things in common that the majority of people lack, and now I'll go over a few of them: 

1. They know when to stay and when to leave: If a job isn't adding to their life in any meaningful way, they aren't afraid to go. The "what if?" of the future doesn't scare them into staying in a situation that makes them miserable.
2. Go above and beyond: When you start a job, you are told what your position entails. Successful people complete these tasks and then ask what else they can do. They continually grow.
3. They aren't afraid to fail because they know that failure often leads to success: Failure happens more than success, so it's best to learn how to embrace the setbacks and use them to do better next time.
4. They create their luck: They don't wait around for something good to happen to them, because "good things don't come to those who wait." They make things happen.
5. Goals are attainable: They set goals that they know they are capable of reaching, with very established guidelines and steps. It's not, "I will lose 100 pounds in six months," it's more like, "I will finish this course in the next three weeks by devoting three hours each day to it."
6. Never stop learning: Successful people love to learn whatever they can, from wherever, whoever, and however they can. They like to be inspired and use that inspiration for their personal growth.
7. The journey is what drives them: When you feel like you are doing something meaningful and purposeful, you will continue to do that thing because it is what drives you.

Don't focus on where you want to be in 1, 5, 10, or 20 years from now. Focus on what you'd like to do in the next 24 hours to better yourself and then do that again the next day, and the next, and never stop thinking about the 24 hours in front of you. Eventually, years will pass, and you will be in a place you never thought possible.

I talk about this shit like I know what I'm talking about, but I don't. It sounds legit to me, in any case. Most of us know what the obvious ways to success are, but we, for whatever reason, don't do those things. Maybe use this as a reminder to do the obvious.

Finally, success means more than doing exceptionally well in your career (but that's a massive factor for many of us). Success also includes relationships, hobbies, kids, sports, talents—it's about life and how to achieve true happiness, rather than chase it and never catch it. 

And Then She Bloomed

My writing hasn't been reflective of my mood, and that's an issue for me. Writing is a form of therapy - I don't need an audience, and I don't expect I have one. But, I'd like for my words to match my current feelings. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say my writing has been so negative because I've needed to get rid of all this hostility. Purge to heal. The hurt, pain, sadness, bitterness, anger, hate - it had to come out before I could begin to heal. I stopped writing for years, and now that I'm back into it... the ugliness has been pouring out of me like a dam that broke.

Despite the negativity of my recent posts, I feel the happiest, most hopeful, and most energetic I've felt in years. 

The negativity that I felt towards everything and everyone, it's gone. It's floated away. It's evaporated, almost like it never existed. 

• I wake up smiling, 
• I am interested in how my loved ones are doing, 
• I smile at and talk to strangers, and,
• I have drive, motivation, and energy - which is perhaps the oddest thing about this whole experience because energy is something I've never had enough of. 

Boredom used to be synonymous with Beth, and I was okay with that, because when you have no energy, who cares if you're bored? 

Because I had no energy, I'd recurrently receive texts from family asking if I was okay because they wouldn't hear from me for ages. Reading their texts of concern was exhausting, so I'd ignore them. After a few days, I'd let them know I was alive, just feeling shitty. 

I now have an abundance of energy. I genuinely don't know what to do with it all, and now I find myself getting bored because there isn't enough to do. 

Notwithstanding, nighttime is incredibly hard for me. That's when my anxiety kicks into full gear, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because the day is over, meaning I need to be still with my thoughts. I'm not comfortable with that yet, but I believe one day I can learn how to be okay with it.

The human brain has a remarkable ability to adapt to unpleasantness. Presently it makes me uncomfortable to be alone with my thoughts, but give it a few weeks, and who knows?

Behind Closed Doors

Last month my mom was driving me to see my doctor because she didn't trust that I would get out of bed to drive myself. She was probably right. Being suicidal does that to a person.

As we were driving, I started thinking about my marriage and how, during it, I had never experienced depression to this degree. I wanted needed my mom to know that my suicidal thinking had nothing to do with my leaving him.

 

Since leaving my marriage two years ago, my life has been a struggle, and I'll be the first to admit that most of it has been a result of deciding to restart my life without him. I had the security of a husband who had a well-paying job, and we owned a house together. We had mutual friends - today I am friendless. I was a member of his family - I lost that when I left him. 

It would be so easy for someone to connect the dots and think that my suicidality was a direct result of getting divorced. But if someone connected the dots that way, they'd be wrong. So very, completely, frankly, wrong.

This is how the conversation with my mom played out:

Me: I don't know if you or Dad have talked about it or wondered about it, but I want you to know that my depression isn't a result of leaving my marriage. I don't regret it. We weren't right for each other. We got together so young, and it felt like the next step, getting married, was the logical thing to do. But it wasn't. I don't hate him, I don't wish any ill will toward him. I am happy he found someone better for him. I never wanted kids, and now he can have them. But I don't regret leaving.

Mom: Dad and I have never assumed that, talked about that, or thought you made the wrong choice. It is your life, and we know that you are smart enough to do what's right for you.

I cried. I lost it. 

To hear my mom say that she trusted my decision-making and knew that my divorce two years ago had nothing to do with my wanting to kill myself now meant so much to me. 

She then followed with something even kinder, with tears in her eyes:

Mom: Leaving him gave you strength. You are so much stronger today than you were then, and Dad and I see it. You have had a really crappy two years, and we see that, but we also see that you keep picking yourself up. You don't give up, and we are so proud of you.

That conversation has left a lasting impact on me, and I hope to never forget it. 

I wish my ex husband the best, and that's all I have to say about that.

Vulnerability & Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Vulnerability is powerful. It can do one of two things. It can bring positivity, or it can bring negativity. When you choose to be vulnerable, it isn't really up to you which result will occur. It's up to the person you choose to be vulnerable to.

By definition, vulnerability is opening yourself up to attack or harm, either physically or emotionally. Vulnerability is fucking hard. The fear of being vulnerable and thus, being exposed, is directly linked to the fear of being rejected, abandoned, hurt, or ignored. 

Think of a time you were vulnerable, and it backfired. Now, think of a time when you were vulnerable, and you received a positive reaction. It feels really fucking good. Vulnerability is a gamble, but most times, I think it's a gamble worth taking.

When I saw my doctor the other day, we talked about vulnerability. We talked about my vulnerability and how it is definitely a positive attribute of mine. Still, I have to be careful with who I share my true self with because I am ultra-sensitive to adverse reactions. 

This conversation led to me saying I wanted to talk to a therapist. I fixate and ruminate, and I create problems that aren't there. When I look to the future, my brain tells me that everything that could go wrong is going to go wrong. He said that what I was describing likely wouldn't be helped by a therapist, but Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). 

• "CBT works by changing people's attitudes and their behaviour by focusing on the thoughts, images, beliefs, and attitudes that are held (a person's cognitive processes) and how these processes relate to the way a person behaves as a way of dealing with emotional problems."

I've done CBT before, and I loved it. However, I'm unemployed, and I can't afford the $200 bill per session (5-20 sessions are typically recommended). He knows all about my financial situation, so he gave me some app names that have been created so that people can teach themselves CBT techniques. Apparently, multiple studies have been done, and research shows that you don't need someone to teach you CBT. If you are motivated, you can teach yourself. Makes sense to me.

I've downloaded two of the apps, my mom bought me a Mindfulness book as well as a Mindfulness journal, and though it's only been one day, I have caught myself thinking negatively, and then I immediately checked myself. 

My thoughts and feelings are genuine and real, but that doesn't mean I can't have some control or sway over them. If I continuously repeat, "I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm ugly," to myself... guess what my belief about myself will be? However, if I change my inner dialogue, who knows, maybe something positive will come from it.

If you're an anxious person, imagine being able to conquer it. To overcome it, and no longer have it impact every single hour of your day. 

What a beautiful thought.

Choice and Regret

I wish I paid for parking that day my car got towed. I wish I spent more time with my grandma before she died. I wish I left my marriage in a different and better way. I wish I kept the gifted money I received from my uncle a secret. I wish I didn't take the route I did the evening I wrote off my car.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

The only thing those wishes have in common is that none of them will come true. Those situations can never turn out any differently than they already have. My wishing for things to be different doesn't make it so. The wishing only eats me up inside and makes me depressed.

I regret nothing in my life. The thing with life is that the decisions we make are made because they feel right, they feel good, or because with what we know at the time, that choice makes the most sense and fits who we are in that moment the most succinctly. After we make a decision, life goes on. As life goes on, we experience new things and learn more about ourselves. Growth gives us insight into why our past decisions were poorly made. But we didn't know better, not then.

Regret can cripple you. Regret can prevent you from moving forward because you are stuck in the past and want so badly to turn the clock back. Future growth is severely impeded as a result. You can't accept your new reality because you are hanging on so tightly to your old one, and your present suffers because of it.

I've learned that I need to be at peace with my life and where I've guided it. If I'm not happy with it, I can always change it going forward. But I can never go backward. And... I wouldn't want to. I often look back at a particular point in life and see it with rose-tinted glasses. It's easy to filter out the sadness and the pain and see only the positives. But I remind myself why I made the choice I did: life felt painful. It felt hopeless. Right or wrong, I make decisions so that I can improve the quality of my life.

There is no shame with happiness

Sometimes life is too much. Too much stress, too many things going wrong, too many unpleasant feelings.

One of my dearest friends killed himself just over one year ago. He chose to release himself from life's pain on a chilly October evening in his friend's backyard, hanging from a tree.

I get it, I accept it, and I am happy he is no longer suffering.

It's been one year, yet I sometimes forget he's gone. But he is gone. Forever. Never again will I hear his voice. Never again will he create art or make music. Andy is nothing but a memory now. I see the impact his death has had on everyone in his life: his parents, cousins, friends, and me. When he tied that rope around his neck and jumped, he created a hole in everyone's life who knew him. No one can fill that hole. It's there now. Forever.

Losing someone to suicide allowed me to view life, death, and personal choice in a very unique way. Andy voluntarily removed himself from life. He made the decision he no longer wanted to participate in consciousness. I think it's morbidly beautiful. Still, I wish I could go back in time, grab him by the shoulders, look into his eyes and have him focus on nothing but me, and make him understand that he could get through this. That I would help him. That life is worth it, he is worth it, and there is always another option. If only he had held on a little bit longer...

And yet, I sometimes find myself wanting to do it too, however fleetingly.

The rational mind knows these feelings aren't permanent, that happiness will be felt again, that a reason to exist will present itself. But in the moments when suicide seems appealing, none of that matters. The mind has a way of making you believe that life just isn't worth it. That you aren't worth it. That even though you will be happy again... that won't be permanent either. The depression will always return. Always.

Depression will always be a part of me. I've been on antidepressants for 15 years. I've tried twice to come off them, and both times were unsuccessful, resulting in catastrophic failure on a huge scale. Turned-my-world-upside-down type of failure. I created massive messes and had to pick up the pieces with the help of those I fall on when I can't hold myself up any longer. Both attempts to live medication-free were awful experiences I'd rather not repeat. I have accepted that I will always need antidepressants, especially in the moments when I feel like I don't (that means they're working). I get that now.

Many know about my struggles with mental illness... so why does it feel so isolating? When I'm happy, I have no problem letting the world know. There is no shame with happiness. I don't feel like a burden when I am loving life. I don't worry that people won't understand my happiness or that they will judge me for it. What makes depression so very different?

Growth doesn't happen when life is easy

Growth happens when life turns to shit. We have to dig deep and find the strength we didn't know was there. When something awful used to happen to me, I'd avoid, ask for help, and cry, "Why me?" Now when something awful happens, the first thing I tell myself is, "You will get through this. You've made it through worse."

That seemingly simple mindset shift didn't happen overnight.

This past year-and-a-half has been one shitty situation after another. That's life, right? It sometimes feels like I don't have the chance to breathe, though, because the next obstacle presents itself so soon after I've overcome the previous one. I've gone through divorce, the loss of friends as a result of my decision to leave my marriage, living in my car, four moves, the suicide of a dear friend, the loss of a great job, a broken foot, wrote off my car by taking out a light pole on the highway in icy conditions, a car accident with my new car, and the unexpected death of my best friend/dog. Yet somehow, I am always grateful when I've made it through something shitty. I reflect back, and I can appreciate the situation for what it was: a chance to improve myself, to add depth to my character, to learn, to grow. 

But, I am exhausted. I've wanted to throw in the towel so many times, but every time something happens, I know the only way my situation will improve is to keep pushing forward. I somehow find a way to persevere. There is no other option. 

The last time a new shitstorm rolled in, my mom said, "This last year has been brutal for you, but Dad and I are so proud of how you've handled it." That was enough to keep me going. 

I look back at my decision to leave my marriage, and while it caused a lot of hurt for my ex - as well as his family and mine - it was absolutely the right decision. Leaving my marriage was the first really difficult thing I've knowingly put myself through. I'm sure I'll go through worse in my lifetime, but up to that point, I knew it was going to be the most difficult. Studies show that going through a divorce can be as devastating as many of life's other traumatic experiences and often results in PTSD. Thankfully, that wasn't the case for me. My ex and I remained amicable throughout the entire process, and when we last spoke, we apologized for any hurt caused and wished one another the best in our respective futures. 

Divorce gave me the chance to become a better person. A chance to live authentically, have greater empathy for others going through difficult situations, the ability to recognize that I truly can't know what's going on in anyone's life, and the opportunity to redefine myself and carve out a new life - a life that is mine.

Even though life has been hurdle after hurdle this last year-and-a-half, I wouldn't change a thing... because I am who I am today as a result of all of it.

RIP to my best friend, Charlie