Growth happens when life turns to shit. We have to dig deep and find the strength we didn't know was there. When something awful used to happen to me, I'd avoid, ask for help, and cry, "Why me?" Now when something awful happens, the first thing I tell myself is, "You will get through this. You've made it through worse."
That seemingly simple mindset shift didn't happen overnight.
This past year-and-a-half has been one shitty situation after another. That's life, right? It sometimes feels like I don't have the chance to breathe, though, because the next obstacle presents itself so soon after I've overcome the previous one. I've gone through divorce, the loss of friends as a result of my decision to leave my marriage, living in my car, four moves, the suicide of a dear friend, the loss of a great job, a broken foot, wrote off my car by taking out a light pole on the highway in icy conditions, a car accident with my new car, and the unexpected death of my best friend/dog. Yet somehow, I am always grateful when I've made it through something shitty. I reflect back, and I can appreciate the situation for what it was: a chance to improve myself, to add depth to my character, to learn, to grow.
But, I am exhausted. I've wanted to throw in the towel so many times, but every time something happens, I know the only way my situation will improve is to keep pushing forward. I somehow find a way to persevere. There is no other option.
The last time a new shitstorm rolled in, my mom said, "This last year has been brutal for you, but Dad and I are so proud of how you've handled it." That was enough to keep me going.
I look back at my decision to leave my marriage, and while it caused a lot of hurt for my ex - as well as his family and mine - it was absolutely the right decision. Leaving my marriage was the first really difficult thing I've knowingly put myself through. I'm sure I'll go through worse in my lifetime, but up to that point, I knew it was going to be the most difficult. Studies show that going through a divorce can be as devastating as many of life's other traumatic experiences and often results in PTSD. Thankfully, that wasn't the case for me. My ex and I remained amicable throughout the entire process, and when we last spoke, we apologized for any hurt caused and wished one another the best in our respective futures.
Divorce gave me the chance to become a better person. A chance to live authentically, have greater empathy for others going through difficult situations, the ability to recognize that I truly can't know what's going on in anyone's life, and the opportunity to redefine myself and carve out a new life - a life that is mine.
Even though life has been hurdle after hurdle this last year-and-a-half, I wouldn't change a thing... because I am who I am today as a result of all of it.
 |
| RIP to my best friend, Charlie |
