The other day Chris and I met with our wedding DJ: when he
asked what I do for a living and I told him I’m a technical writer, his
response was, “Wow, you’re very smart.” I laughed it off and said I’m not, and
then he said in all seriousness, “No, really.” I mumbled “thanks” and changed
the subject.
The truth is that I have no idea what I am doing. I do my
job and hope to God my coworkers can’t see the fuck ups. I’m a perfectionist
but satisfied with very little, professionally or personally. And I don’t think
I’m alone in this. I asked my sister a few months ago, “When did you finally
figure it out?” and she told me she still hasn’t. She is intelligent, put
together, has an MBA, and is incredibly successful, but she still questions
herself. I find this comforting. I look at those around me who appear confident
and wonder if they feel like frauds too.
There are so few people I feel comfortable going to when I
need support. Being vulnerable is scary as hell, because what if the person I’m
seeking help from decides I’m not worth the time or energy? What if they are
laughing at me behind my back? People are generally good, I truly believe that but it’s difficult to admit you need a shoulder to lean on, or guidance, or
someone to pick you up because you aren’t quite strong enough to do it
yourself.
I appreciate the compliments even though I may brush them
off. I appreciate when other people tell me they’re bullshitting their way
through life too. And I appreciate the amazing people in my life who make me
feel worthy when I most need it. I hope I'm as good of a friend to you as you are to me.
