My Car Accident & Resulting Fear of Death

Two years ago, I was driving with my brother when it started to rain. The temperature rapidly dropped below zero, and unbeknownst to me, there was a flash freeze on the roads, making driving conditions extremely dangerous. I didn't know this then because I was in my warm vehicle. I only found out later when the police arrived at the accident scene and told me.

I was on an exit ramp going 80km per hour when I lost control of my car. I started fishtailing, and I didn't know what to do. Everything happened very quickly, but in my mind, time slowed to a snail's pace. I looked at my brother and frantically asked, "What do I do!?" He calmly replied, "It's too late. There's nothing you can do."

In an instant, I remembered hearing once, many years ago, if you know a car accident is inevitable, the best thing you can do is completely relax your body. Car accident injuries are most likely to happen when you tense your muscles and joints. So, I relaxed my body, closed my eyes, said, "Fuck," and then prayed we weren't about to die.

I felt us skidding and sliding and then immediately heard an ear-pounding SMASH! 

Then, suddenly, like it was all a dream, we weren't moving anymore. The chaos disappeared, and the air was filled with silence.

I opened my eyes. I had taken out a light pole and guardrail on the highway. I looked at my brother, covered in glass–the passenger window broke into a million pieces all over him. The passenger door had caved in on him. The windshield was broken but intact. My brother was dazed but responsive.

I was shaken up but otherwise fine.

I started crying and apologizing profusely. My brother had some very sore muscles and terrible bruising for months afterward, but beyond that, he was okay.

Since that day, I have a genuine fear of winter driving, and I sense with 100% certainty that I will die in a car accident. My family reassures me this will not happen, but there is no convincing me. 

The first snowfall of the year occurred last week, causing my usual thirty-minute drive home from work to turn into one-and-a-half hours. When I walked in my front door, I immediately began feeling the aftershocks of the panic I now feel when winter driving, and I spent the next few hours crying.

It's almost enough to make me move somewhere that doesn't see snow.

Impostor Syndrome

Something I've desperately been trying to conquer lately is impostor syndrome. Whenever I meet new people, pick up a new hobby, or start a new job, I have to fight impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome, or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which individuals doubt their skills, talents, or accomplishments and have a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud."

I've started two jobs within the last month, and I am sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of impostor syndrome. It's ruined my day on occasion, left me in a puddle of tears, and has had me questioning why I even bother trying when I know perfectly well I'm going to fail. I am crying writing about it now.

What an isolating feeling impostor syndrome is. Yet roughly 70% of people will experience it at least once. It's not talked about, though–and why is it not talked about? Because talking about it requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is damn hard. Instead, when we feel insecure, we go through periods of negative self-talk, see only our failures and none of our successes, and fear that we will be busted for the frauds we think we are.

One of my jobs is as a technical writer and editor for a mining company–something I know nothing about. My other job is as a copywriter, and I've never been a copywriter. These jobs are breeding insecurity in me.

I felt depression creeping in, but for once, I recognized why it was happening. Rather than remain silent, I brought it up with my boyfriend. I needed to vocalize these feelings before they consumed me.

Between tears, I said, "These jobs are way beyond my experience and skill set. I am going to fail." 

Instead of entertaining me, he steered the conversation in a positive direction: "These companies hired you because you are great at what you do. Focus on that for a few minutes."

After a short pause, I continued speaking, more to myself than to him: "You are right. My new bosses said I'm doing a great job, my questions are fantastic, and my ideas are excellent and I should pursue them. My references had nothing but the very best to say about me. A boss has never said my work is bad. I've always been told I produce quality content. Maybe that's all I need to know."

I've got this.

When a New Person Makes Your Day

My new job is with a massive company. Because of the building's size, most staff are forced to park on the street all around the building and beyond. They have a permanent shuttle service guy who drives around all day, transporting people to and from their vehicles. This morning he picked me up. He was warm, friendly, and outgoing, and I immediately thought, "What a perfect man for the job." 

I told him it was no problem, the walk was good for me, and he didn't need to stop for me. He replied, "Please, ma'am, get in. If I can't drive you to the office, then I have no job!" He said it with a smile on his face, so I knew he was being playful, but it sparked a conversation between us. He told me he had been out of work for six months and just started this job. I told him I had been out of work for eight months and just started this job. We both laughed at our luck.

"There is only so much big screen TV you can watch before you go crazy. At some point, work is the best possible thing for us," he said as he pulled up to the front doors of the office.

After work, he spotted me exiting the building, so he honked his horn. I laughed and got in. When he asked what time I usually arrive in the morning, I told him 8:30, and he said he would look for me to see if I needed more rides. 

I couldn't tell you what I was thinking throughout the rest of today. But those few minutes with that man made me feel something really positive—hope, joy, silliness, comfort. 

Today was a good day, all thanks to a random shuttle driver.

Crying Is Not a Weakness

Some days you just need to cry. As much as it hurts and as much as you tell yourself not to, it's okay to cry. I need to remind myself of that sometimes. Crying is not a weakness. Crying is letting go of an emotion that will poison you if you hold it in.

I mean, look, even the former President Barack Obama cries, and he is certainly not a weak man.

A crying man is not a weak man

I don't like crying. It hurts, both physically and emotionally, and it makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I want to hide. I don't want anyone to see me in that state. But vulnerability is a beautiful thing, and crying is a very human thing. Sometimes it's best to let it out because the reactions of those around you just might surprise you. 

No one has ever laughed at my tears or my pain. Instead, I receive support, encouragement, love, understanding, patience, and a whole lot of empathy. 

Never be afraid to cry. It shows your humanity, and it allows people to connect with you–because we've all felt pain and we have all cried.

What's Employment Again?

After eight months of unemployment and over 200 job applications, I received two job offers in the same week. It took a couple of days for me to accept the hunt was finally over, and I now had some meaning in my life.

 
Eight months is a long time to do nothing and to have nothing. Government assistance is helpful but doesn't cover everything: rent, car payments, utilities, and groceries. An emergency better not happen, and cross your fingers that you won't need anything new because if you do, you're SOL.

Today's job market is unrecognizable from the one that existed one short year ago. Millions of people are out of work through no fault of their own, and most feel utterly hopeless about it. Finding a job when everyone else is looking for one, too, is a daunting task. 

It takes willpower, perseverance, determination, and the ability to recognize that it isn't something wrong with you that's preventing you from getting hired–it is a numbers game, sort of like bingo, and your turn will come eventually.

Many don't talk about the struggles of being jobless, but I lost my shame months ago. I was rejected from jobs I was sure I had in the bag, I had to go to my mom for money, I'm thousands of dollars in debt to various companies (that won't stop calling!), and my landlord hasn't received full rent since this pandemic started–if you want to talk about shame, I'm your gal.

I was suicidal. I felt like a leech to society. Taking, taking, taking, and never giving back. You lose your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence; soon enough, you simply hate yourself. It may not be that way for everyone, but it's been horrible for me.

However... I am stronger because of it. Now I can see it for what it is: a situation I did not create but is negatively impacting millions. The shame sure is isolating, though. I felt like I was the only one struggling. I knew I wasn't because the news stories told me that millions of people were suffering, but I didn't see suffering anywhere except under my own roof. Once I started talking about it, though, the floodgates opened, and I found my people. My struggling people.