May began with immense emotional pain and ended with so much healing; it is difficult to describe where I started and where I am now.
Life ebbs and flows: In periods of flow, life is easy and full of meaning and
movement. But when life ebbs, we struggle against the current, fighting to
grasp what is important to us.
For the past
five years, I struggled against the current. The details do not matter,
but it was too much. So to cope, I shoved the problems and pain down as far as
possible. I feared if I tried to deal with any of the big issues, I would
get stuck in my head and never be able to escape.
At the
beginning of May, all the pain I had been burying for years said "fuck
you" and smacked me in the face all at once. Finally, I had no choice but
to work through everything I had been avoiding: the self-hatred, the
bitterness, the embarrassment, the shame, the guilt, all of it.
I took three
weeks off work and dealt with my shit. I had to. It was time. Through dealing
with it, I have learned I need to be my priority, not some guy, job, or
anything else. I have also learned it
is great to stay busy so I do not get stuck in my head, but I need to spend time
there every so often to sort through and deal with life before it snowballs.
I never
thought I would be thankful for everything I have gone through these past
five years, but here we are, and I am thankful for all of it. All the pain,
suffering, sadness, and depression brought me to this new place of peace,
contentment, openness, and acceptance.
I will struggle against
the current in the future, and I may not be able to get through it alone, but
it is okay to ask for help. Above all else, I no longer want to be perfect; I
want to be authentic.
