My writing hasn't been reflective of my mood, and that's an issue for me. Writing is a form of therapy - I don't need an audience, and I don't expect I have one. But, I'd like for my words to match my current feelings. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say my writing has been so negative because I've needed to get rid of all this hostility. Purge to heal. The hurt, pain, sadness, bitterness, anger, hate - it had to come out before I could begin to heal. I stopped writing for years, and now that I'm back into it... the ugliness has been pouring out of me like a dam that broke.
Despite the negativity of my recent posts, I feel the happiest, most hopeful, and most energetic I've felt in years.
The negativity that I felt towards everything and everyone, it's gone. It's floated away. It's evaporated, almost like it never existed.
- I wake up smiling,
- I am interested in how my loved ones are doing,
- I smile at and talk to strangers, and,
- I have drive, motivation, and energy - which is perhaps the oddest thing about this whole experience because energy is something I've never had enough of.
Boredom used to be synonymous with Beth, and I was okay with that, because when you have no energy, who cares if you're bored?
Because I had no energy, I'd recurrently receive texts from family asking if I was okay because they wouldn't hear from me for ages. Reading their texts of concern was exhausting, so I'd ignore them. After a few days, I'd let them know I was alive, just feeling shitty.
I now have an abundance of energy. I genuinely don't know what to do with it all, and now I find myself getting bored because there isn't enough to do.
Notwithstanding, nighttime is incredibly hard for me. That's when my anxiety kicks into full gear, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because the day is over, meaning I need to be still with my thoughts. I'm not comfortable with that yet, but I believe one day I can learn how to be okay with it.
The human brain has a remarkable ability to adapt to unpleasantness. Presently it makes me uncomfortable to be alone with my thoughts, but give it a few weeks, and who knows?
