Vulnerability is powerful. It can do one of two things. It can bring positivity, or it can bring negativity. When you choose to be vulnerable, it isn't really up to you which result will occur. It's up to the person you choose to be vulnerable to.
By definition, vulnerability is opening yourself up to attack or harm, either physically or emotionally. Vulnerability is fucking hard. The fear of being vulnerable and thus, being exposed, is directly linked to the fear of being rejected, abandoned, hurt, or ignored.
Think of a time you were vulnerable, and it backfired. Now, think of a time when you were vulnerable, and you received a positive reaction. It feels really fucking good. Vulnerability is a gamble, but most times, I think it's a gamble worth taking.
When I saw my doctor the other day, we talked about vulnerability. We talked about my vulnerability and how it is definitely a positive attribute of mine. Still, I have to be careful with who I share my true self with because I am ultra-sensitive to adverse reactions.
This conversation led to me saying I wanted to talk to a therapist. I fixate and ruminate, and I create problems that aren't there. When I look to the future, my brain tells me that everything that could go wrong is going to go wrong. He said that what I was describing likely wouldn't be helped by a therapist, but Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
- "CBT works by changing people's attitudes and their behaviour by focusing on the thoughts, images, beliefs, and attitudes that are held (a person's cognitive processes) and how these processes relate to the way a person behaves as a way of dealing with emotional problems."
I've done CBT before, and I loved it. However, I'm unemployed, and I can't afford the $200 bill per session (5-20 sessions are typically recommended). He knows all about my financial situation, so he gave me some app names that have been created so that people can teach themselves CBT techniques. Apparently, multiple studies have been done, and research shows that you don't need someone to teach you CBT. If you are motivated, you can teach yourself. Makes sense to me.
I've downloaded two of the apps, my mom bought me a Mindfulness book as well as a Mindfulness journal, and though it's only been one day, I have caught myself thinking negatively, and then I immediately checked myself.
My thoughts and feelings are genuine and real, but that doesn't mean I can't have some control or sway over them. If I continuously repeat, "I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm ugly," to myself... guess what my belief about myself will be? However, if I change my inner dialogue, who knows, maybe something positive will come from it.
If you're an anxious person, imagine being able to conquer it. To overcome it, and no longer have it impact every single hour of your day.
What a beautiful thought.
