The company I work for does not have an office in Alberta, so I work remotely. In March, I was flown to the head office in BC to attend the annual meeting and to meet the people I work with. It should have been an exciting opportunity, but I could not enjoy myself because I was not in a good place mentally. While everyone I met was lovely and kind, I felt constant anxiety and insecurity.
I did not
enjoy myself because every experience was overshadowed by my inability to
overcome imposter syndrome. I work with brilliant people and didn’t feel like I
measured up. When I got home and had a few days to unwind and reflect, I
realized I had wasted the trip and the opportunity to connect with incredible
people. I promised myself I would do it completely
differently if I could go again.
Three weeks
ago, I was asked to come back. This time, I felt just as nervous as the first
time. But the way I faced that nervousness was different. I did not let it overwhelm and consume me, and I vocalized it to those I love. They reassured me, and this
time, I chose to believe them when they told me I would have fun. I decided to
believe them when they told me I belonged.
Sometimes I
should ignore my feelings. My feelings cannot always be trusted. I worry, and I
think about everything that can go wrong. These thoughts are not helpful, are
not based in reality, and ultimately ruin experiences that could have otherwise
been enjoyable. Sometimes, it is best I ignore myself and instead listen to and
believe those who love me.
This trip was
a massive personal win because I let myself enjoy everything. I allowed myself
to be present, social, and laugh. I got to see my teammate, met my new manager
and a bunch of new coworkers, enjoyed a BBQ on the beach, visited the new office, participated in
team-building activities, and went for dinner with people I did not know... and I felt
like I belonged throughout it all.
When I got
home, my parents picked me up from the airport, and when they asked how my trip
was, I quickly replied, “It was awesome!” I struggle to talk myself out of
anxiety and into being myself, but last week, I conquered that, and for the
first time in a long time, I know I am stronger than the negative voice in my
head. I do not know why that negative voice is so loud, but I am proud of
myself for shutting it up.
