And when it comes to healing from someone who has hurt me, ownership is the path to true healing. Even though I am not responsible for the pain and trauma I have gone through, I need to be the one to own it, and this is why: It is unrealistic to expect everyone who has hurt me to be accountable, apologize, and do the work to make it right.
Wednesday, July 26, 2023
Trauma, intention, and healing yourself
And when it comes to healing from someone who has hurt me, ownership is the path to true healing. Even though I am not responsible for the pain and trauma I have gone through, I need to be the one to own it, and this is why: It is unrealistic to expect everyone who has hurt me to be accountable, apologize, and do the work to make it right.
Thursday, June 29, 2023
Work Trip to Vancouver
The company I work for does not have an office in Alberta, so I work remotely. In March, I was flown to the head office in BC to attend the annual meeting and to meet the people I work with. It should have been an exciting opportunity, but I could not enjoy myself because I was not in a good place mentally. While everyone I met was lovely and kind, I felt constant anxiety and insecurity.
I did not
enjoy myself because every experience was overshadowed by my inability to
overcome imposter syndrome. I work with brilliant people and didn’t feel like I
measured up. When I got home and had a few days to unwind and reflect, I
realized I had wasted the trip and the opportunity to connect with incredible
people. I promised myself I would do it completely
differently if I could go again.
Three weeks
ago, I was asked to come back. This time, I felt just as nervous as the first
time. But the way I faced that nervousness was different. I did not let it overwhelm and consume me, and I vocalized it to those I love. They reassured me, and this
time, I chose to believe them when they told me I would have fun. I decided to
believe them when they told me I belonged.
Sometimes I
should ignore my feelings. My feelings cannot always be trusted. I worry, and I
think about everything that can go wrong. These thoughts are not helpful, are
not based in reality, and ultimately ruin experiences that could have otherwise
been enjoyable. Sometimes, it is best I ignore myself and instead listen to and
believe those who love me.
This trip was
a massive personal win because I let myself enjoy everything. I allowed myself
to be present, social, and laugh. I got to see my teammate, met my new manager
and a bunch of new coworkers, enjoyed a BBQ on the beach, visited the new office, participated in
team-building activities, and went for dinner with people I did not know... and I felt
like I belonged throughout it all.
When I got
home, my parents picked me up from the airport, and when they asked how my trip
was, I quickly replied, “It was awesome!” I struggle to talk myself out of
anxiety and into being myself, but last week, I conquered that, and for the
first time in a long time, I know I am stronger than the negative voice in my
head. I do not know why that negative voice is so loud, but I am proud of
myself for shutting it up.
Thursday, June 08, 2023
Why do I write?
My career is writing. I have had numerous jobs as a writer, and while they have all been very different, there is one thing they all have in common: me, Beth, and my personality, none of that can be found in the words I write. I write professionally for businesses. I write social media posts to increase brand awareness, website content for a new company, or user manuals so customers understand how to use a product. I love what I do for a living for two reasons:
- There is a right way to write. I like rules, guidelines, and the idea I can make something “perfect” in terms of grammar, spelling, style, and syntax. My perfectionism shines in this profession.
- Yet, writing is flexible. I think of it like a colouring book. I choose the picture I want to colour, and I choose the colours I want to colour with, but the goal is always to stay inside the lines. I get to choose the words and the sentence structure to convey the targeted message.
I admire writers who ooze flowery, descriptive language that produces elegant and angelic poetry. It comes so naturally to some people. Not me. That is not my style. I am not a poet, I have no desire to write a book, and I do not need to have my words mean anything to anyone. We all need to make a living; I write professionally because it is the most enjoyable way to earn money.
I have never written poetries, scripts, or stories. I do not write for enjoyment. I never have. I write in this blog, where I do not earn a penny, and I have no readers, because something magical happens when I hone in on my emotions, process my thoughts and feelings, and put them into words.
Before I get the words out, I often feel lost, alone, and broken. But when I have finally unmasked my feelings, and the words are in front of me, there is an emotional release that is unlike anything else. My heart, mind, and soul are connected. I feel at peace. I can appreciate unpleasant or painful situations and people for what they are: lessons. The truth is, writing is the only way I know how to figure out what the fuck is happening in my brain.
I write because it is free therapy.
Saturday, May 27, 2023
Radical Acceptance
I went through something two weeks ago that changed my life. It was the most beautiful and peaceful experience I have ever had. It was radical acceptance.
Radical acceptance means accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, your body, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. Far from condoning or embracing your current difficulties and situation, radical acceptance typically advocates accepting yourself and your circumstances to better move through and past them.
You simply… poof, accept everything. Radical acceptance feels like you are looking at yourself and your life from an outsider’s perspective, with no judgements and no attachments. You see everything for exactly what it is and feel entirely okay and at peace with it. You let go of the pain and move forward.
I used to hide all the raw and vulnerable parts of myself that I felt were undesirable or imperfect. I could not trust anyone because I was terrified of being judged, hurt, or abandoned. Being this way was not a conscious choice; my subconscious was protecting my ego. I was closed off, showed you only what I wanted you to see, and never felt secure in who I was. I did not know how to be myself, not even when alone.
Since I experienced radical acceptance two weeks ago, I have become acutely receptive to emotional, authentic, and spiritual conversations. I want to connect with people in the most genuine way possible. I want to give and receive complete honesty, even if it is “ugly.” The more shameful your secrets, the more beautiful I find them; my secrets are no different. The stuff we hide is the stuff that makes us unique, fascinating, and extraordinary.
These last two weeks, I have been open, vulnerable, and, most importantly, myself with everyone I have interacted with. I have this new, deep understanding that the people who are meant to be in my life will be, and those who aren’t won’t be. I cannot force anything, and I do not want to.
Imagine you have a bead in your hand. You are so afraid to lose it that you squeeze your hand tightly around it—and it slips through your fingers. Or, you can keep your hand open, palm up, and have the bead on it—and it’s still there. Enjoy what you have when you have it but don’t become too attached to it.
Thursday, May 25, 2023
Mental Health Awareness Month
May began with immense emotional pain and ended with so much healing; it is difficult to describe where I started and where I am now.
Life ebbs and flows: In periods of flow, life is easy and full of meaning and
movement. But when life ebbs, we struggle against the current, fighting to
grasp what is important to us.
For the past
five years, I struggled against the current. The details do not matter,
but it was too much. So to cope, I shoved the problems and pain down as far as
possible. I feared if I tried to deal with any of the big issues, I would
get stuck in my head and never be able to escape.
At the
beginning of May, all the pain I had been burying for years said "fuck
you" and smacked me in the face all at once. Finally, I had no choice but
to work through everything I had been avoiding: the self-hatred, the
bitterness, the embarrassment, the shame, the guilt, all of it.
I took three
weeks off work and dealt with my shit. I had to. It was time. Through dealing
with it, I have learned I need to be my priority, not some guy, job, or
anything else. I have also learned it
is great to stay busy so I do not get stuck in my head, but I need to spend time
there every so often to sort through and deal with life before it snowballs.
I never
thought I would be thankful for everything I have gone through these past
five years, but here we are, and I am thankful for all of it. All the pain,
suffering, sadness, and depression brought me to this new place of peace,
contentment, openness, and acceptance.
I will struggle against
the current in the future, and I may not be able to get through it alone, but
it is okay to ask for help. Above all else, I no longer want to be perfect; I
want to be authentic.
Friday, May 19, 2023
Never Tell Someone How to Feel
Someone I was once close with taught me an invaluable lesson. He was always there when I needed to get my emotions out. It did not matter what the emotion was—happiness, depression, rage, love, anxiety, uncertainty—he listened patiently, acknowledged my feelings, and gave me a safe space to discuss whatever I was going through. At the time, I did not appreciate how precious this trait of his was.
One day, he opened up to me. He confessed he felt anxious and horrible about something that just happened. I responded, "You don't need to feel that way." Then, without pause, he said, "When you feel a certain way, I don't tell you your feelings are wrong. Please give me the same courtesy." I was stunned into silence. I don't think I even apologized. I was so taken aback by how right he was. He put me in my place in such a kind way. As a person you trust, all I need to do is listen and be supportive.
If someone trusts you enough to be vulnerable and let you in on their feelings… don't make the same mistake I did. Instead, simply listen and be supportive.
Thursday, May 18, 2023
Until we meet again, depression
When I feel the only way to escape the pain is to kill myself, I tell my mom, who saves me. She is my soft place to land. Then, those who love me surround me. They form a protective circle around me, reminding me I am unconditionally loved. It can take weeks or months, but I wake up one morning, and the weight on my chest is gone. The love I feel from every corner of my life makes it impossible for depression to take up any more space.
I am back.
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I was just thinking about Jimmy, a close friend of mine. The summer before grade 12, my friend Jimmy was walking home from a party wh...
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Something I've desperately been trying to conquer lately is impostor syndrome. Whenever I meet new people, pick up a new hobby, or start...
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Monday morning, I walked out of my apartment building and sat on one of the benches out front. I was waiting for my mom to pick me up. I had...